So it's a little funny.  This morning, Gentleman Caller was making a joke about how it had been like a week since I cried last.  I corrected him and said it had been MUCH longer than that and I actually sorta wanted to cry just to get all the extra emotional crap out.  I sorta wish I hadn't said that.

Lunch today was a tea party with a couple girls from work.  I made cranberry scones with orange marmalade and they were delicious.  We also had cucumber sandwiches and chicken salad.  It was very high class.  Minus the part where it was crashed by a fella coworker to whom I then explained what a placenta was.  High class I tell ya.

When we were done with lunch, I checked my phone and saw there were a large amount of text messages saying that my dad was having some surgery and getting a central line put in for antibiotics.  Slightly panicked I called my sister for an explanation.   But that's about it.  They think his knee is infected from surgery he had 5 weeks ago so they're doing what they can to take care of it.

But I am freaked the fuck out.

I am not good with change or surprises.  It takes me a long time to get used to the idea of something new.  I was surprised with a new softball bat last summer and it was about halfway through the party that I realized it was ok to be happy and like what was going on.  So the more I talk about what is going on, the more I'm used to it and actually it helps distance myself from the problem.  Maybe that's why I wanted to cry this morning.  Too much distance.

Well this was real and immediate.  So I cried.  At work.  Right before an office-wide meeting about health updates regarding my boss who is also in the hospital.

Immediately I wanted to leave and go to the hospital.  But there isn't anything I can do and I know that.  I have swimming tonight and I don't want to miss that.  But I also want to be there for my Dad anyway I can.  It's not like me being there is going to do anything and I know that.  But that's not the point.  My sister told me to stay at work, go swimming and then if I still felt like I needed to, I could go stay at my parent's tonight.  And I might do that.

Anyway, that's the plan now.  And breathing exercises.  Lots of breathing exercises.