My Dad is doing pretty good. And he's home. He spent almost two weeks at the hospital and then another two weeks in a rehab getting his strength back.

Another shitty thing happened and my mom lost her job. "At will employment" is tricky sometimes.

But my family is ok. We're pretty close and we constantly expressed gratitude for that throughout this experience.

My niece had a birthday yesterday. It was a good time for a celebration. Who couldn't use a little cheering up? Plus the weather has been so amazing we were able to grill and hang out on the deck. It was very soothing.

My dad got worse.  And then he got better.  And then he got slightly worse again.  I'm going to visit him tonight  so I'll have a better idea of where he is.

He's had to have someone with him 24/7 because of the picking and fidgeting.  He pulls off his o2 and we do what we can to keep him from his iv.

But he's doing better.

And I'm so tired of talking and thinking and worrying about this.

My Dad is so sick.

He's got an infection (they think).  Fever.  Knee pain.  Blood clots in his lungs.  He's delirious and hallucinating.

I am doing my best to cope.  I ugly cried for an hour the other day.  Heaving and braying sobs.  I recovered with sleep and swimming.

But goddamn it is hard.  It's so hard to see my clever and witty father not be able to follow the conversation because he's distracted by the giant head in the doorway.  Because he's trying to figure out how many spiders the nurse slipped into his water.  Because his bird's nest has too much shit in it.

He's so weak.  He can't stand.

The doctors were really attentive at first.  But now... I mean, give me some damn answers.  I got in their face the other day so they ordered a ct of his head, but that's not going to show shit.

He might be transfered today to a more local hospital, which would be nice. I'm hoping the nurses would actually come when requested so he could take a damn pee.

I'm so so so worried that my dad isn't going to come back all the way.  It's so terrifying.

So it's a little funny.  This morning, Gentleman Caller was making a joke about how it had been like a week since I cried last.  I corrected him and said it had been MUCH longer than that and I actually sorta wanted to cry just to get all the extra emotional crap out.  I sorta wish I hadn't said that.

Lunch today was a tea party with a couple girls from work.  I made cranberry scones with orange marmalade and they were delicious.  We also had cucumber sandwiches and chicken salad.  It was very high class.  Minus the part where it was crashed by a fella coworker to whom I then explained what a placenta was.  High class I tell ya.

When we were done with lunch, I checked my phone and saw there were a large amount of text messages saying that my dad was having some surgery and getting a central line put in for antibiotics.  Slightly panicked I called my sister for an explanation.   But that's about it.  They think his knee is infected from surgery he had 5 weeks ago so they're doing what they can to take care of it.

But I am freaked the fuck out.

I am not good with change or surprises.  It takes me a long time to get used to the idea of something new.  I was surprised with a new softball bat last summer and it was about halfway through the party that I realized it was ok to be happy and like what was going on.  So the more I talk about what is going on, the more I'm used to it and actually it helps distance myself from the problem.  Maybe that's why I wanted to cry this morning.  Too much distance.

Well this was real and immediate.  So I cried.  At work.  Right before an office-wide meeting about health updates regarding my boss who is also in the hospital.

Immediately I wanted to leave and go to the hospital.  But there isn't anything I can do and I know that.  I have swimming tonight and I don't want to miss that.  But I also want to be there for my Dad anyway I can.  It's not like me being there is going to do anything and I know that.  But that's not the point.  My sister told me to stay at work, go swimming and then if I still felt like I needed to, I could go stay at my parent's tonight.  And I might do that.

Anyway, that's the plan now.  And breathing exercises.  Lots of breathing exercises.

I keep having these dreams.  Which are slightly disturbing to me as they are very, um, graphic.  And I've had two within a week and they feature the same character both times.  It can get a little awkward around that person now.  Dreams are weird yo.  It seems that I'm unable to let go of emotions felt during the night.

The mini-vacation was fun.  Driving sucked because Boom was tired and slept on the way up and then was ohmygosh sick on the way home.  So no radio, no conversation both ways.  That's a lot of quiet driving.  But to make up for it, I drank a lot.

I created a song list in Spotify that I just want to listen on repeat all day long.  Mellow.

There are a lot of work related trips coming up.  Not necessarily the most fun I've ever had, but hopefully not too painful.  It does mean going out to eat a LOT, which means ingesting a lot of calories.  I always try to order smart, but because I'm frequently poor it's sort of like "FOOD! FOOD!..... Oh my gosh FOOD!".  So I order what looks tasty and then eat way too much because of portion sizing.  I do plan to make more of an effort to get veggies this time.

I, Theodore, vow to get more veggies this time.

Let's pretend I didn't just talk about consistency and then take a month off?

I started a swim class.  A MASTER'S (type) CLASS.  It rocks.  I love swimming and always have.  Turns out, I'm ok at it too.  Except that I'm not.  Swimming is hard yo.  You know how when you're learning how to become a runner the initial goal is about 5k (about 3 miles)?  Well, with swimming it's a mile.  One little mile.  So that's my goal.  I feel kind of stupid on occasion at the class, cause I'm very obviously a newbie, but the obvious newbie-ness also sort of gives me confidence to work on stuff.  MY GOOD ATTITUDE IS SEEING ME THROUGH.

It's been pretty insane at work.  The supervisor and boss are both off right now due to a pretty intense surgery and that means I'm here to do all the work!

A coworker and really good friend [whom I shall now call] Bailey and I just made the most delicious drinks.  I used to work at a coffee shop and became addicted to Italian sodas.  And sometimes for fun, creme sodas.  So we just made strawberry creme sodas with homemade whipped cream.  So so so delicious.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned my addiction to anything North Korea related.  Except learning about the war I guess... maybe that's next on the list?  Anyway, I just finished reading The Orphan Master's Son.  And I think I liked it.  Quite a bit.  What can I say?  North Korea gets me every time.

This weekend one of my friends, Boom, and I will be going on a mini-vacation.  Another friend of mine from WAY BACK is celebrating his wife's birthday at an amazing restaurant/bar.  Boom I'm sure is basically going for the food, it's so good.  Me too really.  They're nice people and it would be great to see them, but man, that duck is amazing!

So my wrist is still screwed up.  I finally went to a doctor and she gave me exercises to do.  Half the exercises hurt so bad!  I'm still squeezing my stress ball, but swimming seems to have aggravated it a little.  But I'm not giving up the one exercise that I can do without getting yelled at by my hip.